Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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