I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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