No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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