Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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