Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
