girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
