I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
