He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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