Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
