Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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