I love black thongs
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
