i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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