I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
