If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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