this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
