Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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