3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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