if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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