Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
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YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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