I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We need to get me chipped asap
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
