if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i love accidental penises.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
