I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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