so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've blown a few things in my day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
