Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
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I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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