He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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