I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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