Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Found the puke drawer
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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