I wish I could punch you in the face.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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