dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
