turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
