if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
