how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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