drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
