Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.