I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
