i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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