How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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