All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
