you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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