so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
