My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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