im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
