I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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