apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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