Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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