When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
