y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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