why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Green mimosas i think yes
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
