Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
