Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
