you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
