well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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