Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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