This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
