There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
